By Annie Chan. Extracted from Richard Templar "The Rules of Love"
Rule Number 16 - Don't Tar New Partners with Old Brushes
We all have some sort of a past and this past can in a way affect our future if we do not handle it properly.
Eg. if we had a partner who cheated on us before, we do have the tendency to think our next partner will always cheat on us.
But hang on - who is the one with the wrong behaviour here? You or your partner? In this case, it is your partner. So there is a higher chance your partner will cheat on his next partner rather than your new partner cheating on you.... make sense?
In any case, whatever your ex partner did to you in your relationship is the past. You have to embrace the new partner with a clean slant so that your relationship with this new partner has a chance to grow and develop.
(Reflection : Lots of things in life follow the same basic principle every time, but that doesn't apply to partners)
Rule Number 17 - Check You Both Have the Same Shared Goals
Many people chose partner whom they have the same interest and at times forgot about same shared goals. Which then is more important? Clearly, having the same shared goals beats same interests hands down.
Having said that, as your relationship with a partner progress, it is important for you to iron out important stuff such as shared goals. Shared goals can include - staying with parents, having children, possibility of migrating, money issues, etc. All these issues might seem small at the start of a relationship or when everything is fresh and new. But these are important stuff which needs to be sorted out before you commit long term with any partner.
Interest can change but goals usually do not; though there can be exceptions.
(Reflection : Before you make any serious commitment you really need to hammer this stuff out)
Rule Number 18 - You Can't Make Someone Love You
Falling in love with someone who don't love you back? Still in love with someone who broke off the relationship? Tried changing yourself so that the person can or will love you?
At some point of our lives, we might experience one of the above or more.... what do we do? It is never easy breaking oneself away from the person we love though we know he / she do not love or no longer love us. So do we still hang on?
Well, the answer is clearly no. If the person does not love you or no longer loves you. No amount of effort on your end is likely to move him / her. You are better off using the same effort to move yourself away from this person so that the right person has the chance to be with you.
It is not easy but it will definitely be worth the effort.
(Reflection : Maybe you try to change, to become the person they really want)
Rule Number 19 - Be Cruel To Be Kind
Loving someone and not be love in turn can hurt. What if the opposite happens? The person is head over heels in love with you but you realised you do not love the person in that way or you no longer love the person. Then what happens?
You know the pain of being "dump" so you hang on? He / She is nice so you do not want to hurt him / her?
But by staying on in a "love-less" relationship isn't that hurting the person as well?
It might seem cruel to hurt someone who loves you; but at times you really need to be cruel to be kind. Cut off the relationship and let both you and the person a chance to find the right person for each other.
(Reflection : Leave everyone free to get on with their lives)
Rule Number 20 - Be Nice
At the start of a relationship, we are usually nice to each other. As the relationship progress, we sometimes forget to be nice to the very person who is important to us - our partner.
When we are upset at work, we vent our anger at them. We snap at them over the smallest issues, etc. Why so? If this person was just a friend, chances are we won't have behaved that way isn't it? Then why do we do it to the person we love dearly?
Hence it is important to remember that as the relationship grows and develops, we must continue to be nice to the person we love.
Eg, If they are tired from work, offer to prepare dinner instead of expecting them to do it.
And why should you do that? Simple. Because you love them and you want them to feel good and be happy.
(Reflection : What is wrong with a bit of old fashioned civility? )
We all have some sort of a past and this past can in a way affect our future if we do not handle it properly.
Eg. if we had a partner who cheated on us before, we do have the tendency to think our next partner will always cheat on us.
But hang on - who is the one with the wrong behaviour here? You or your partner? In this case, it is your partner. So there is a higher chance your partner will cheat on his next partner rather than your new partner cheating on you.... make sense?
In any case, whatever your ex partner did to you in your relationship is the past. You have to embrace the new partner with a clean slant so that your relationship with this new partner has a chance to grow and develop.
(Reflection : Lots of things in life follow the same basic principle every time, but that doesn't apply to partners)
Rule Number 17 - Check You Both Have the Same Shared Goals
Many people chose partner whom they have the same interest and at times forgot about same shared goals. Which then is more important? Clearly, having the same shared goals beats same interests hands down.
Having said that, as your relationship with a partner progress, it is important for you to iron out important stuff such as shared goals. Shared goals can include - staying with parents, having children, possibility of migrating, money issues, etc. All these issues might seem small at the start of a relationship or when everything is fresh and new. But these are important stuff which needs to be sorted out before you commit long term with any partner.
Interest can change but goals usually do not; though there can be exceptions.
(Reflection : Before you make any serious commitment you really need to hammer this stuff out)
Rule Number 18 - You Can't Make Someone Love You
Falling in love with someone who don't love you back? Still in love with someone who broke off the relationship? Tried changing yourself so that the person can or will love you?
At some point of our lives, we might experience one of the above or more.... what do we do? It is never easy breaking oneself away from the person we love though we know he / she do not love or no longer love us. So do we still hang on?
Well, the answer is clearly no. If the person does not love you or no longer loves you. No amount of effort on your end is likely to move him / her. You are better off using the same effort to move yourself away from this person so that the right person has the chance to be with you.
It is not easy but it will definitely be worth the effort.
(Reflection : Maybe you try to change, to become the person they really want)
Rule Number 19 - Be Cruel To Be Kind
Loving someone and not be love in turn can hurt. What if the opposite happens? The person is head over heels in love with you but you realised you do not love the person in that way or you no longer love the person. Then what happens?
You know the pain of being "dump" so you hang on? He / She is nice so you do not want to hurt him / her?
But by staying on in a "love-less" relationship isn't that hurting the person as well?
It might seem cruel to hurt someone who loves you; but at times you really need to be cruel to be kind. Cut off the relationship and let both you and the person a chance to find the right person for each other.
(Reflection : Leave everyone free to get on with their lives)
Rule Number 20 - Be Nice
At the start of a relationship, we are usually nice to each other. As the relationship progress, we sometimes forget to be nice to the very person who is important to us - our partner.
When we are upset at work, we vent our anger at them. We snap at them over the smallest issues, etc. Why so? If this person was just a friend, chances are we won't have behaved that way isn't it? Then why do we do it to the person we love dearly?
Hence it is important to remember that as the relationship grows and develops, we must continue to be nice to the person we love.
Eg, If they are tired from work, offer to prepare dinner instead of expecting them to do it.
And why should you do that? Simple. Because you love them and you want them to feel good and be happy.
(Reflection : What is wrong with a bit of old fashioned civility? )
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